Wednesday, April 17, 2013

First Date Voice Over

Contributed by Hush Puppy Grace:

Actual Thoughts I Actually Had on a First Date:

Oh, well he’s very attractive. Quite possibly more attractive than I was expecting. Oh shit, he’s too attractive. What the fuck am I doing here? Wait, what’s wrong with him? He’s hot, employed (with a good job even) and seemingly normal… Not a good sign.

I am way over dressed for this dive bar. One should warn someone when they are going to a new bar that, essentially, this bar is someone’s living room. They've got on full-fledged overhead lights. Not forgiving. Oh god, he’s going to see the massive pimple I’m trying to hide with a combination of concealer and swooping my hair just right over my forehead.

He says to me, “Breakfast is really important to you.” This is after discussing how I wake up early every morning and an off-handed comment on the amount of Eggo Waffles you can purchase from Sam’s Club. (48 in a box, in case you were wondering. It’s very economical.) This dude just drew conclusions about my life. Who does that? I just passively listen to people… Maybe I’m doing it wrong.

He’s really hot. I want to rip that cigarette out of his mouth and climb over this table and straddle him.

I think I just said “fuck” for about the thirteenth time in this conversation… He hasn't cursed once. Oh shit. This guy is going to think I am vulgar and classless and crude. This is definitely why I’m never going to hear from this guy again.

Wait, what if I am fooling myself into thinking he’s not going to call me because of my foul mouth.  Maybe he’s not calling me because I’m a terrible person.  Or because I’m not cute enough. Or because of that giant zit… Let’s just go with the cursing, that’s the best thing for my ego.

We’re saying goodbye. He gives me a hug. He says “Let me know if you think of something before I do.” What. The. Fuck. What does that mean? That actually means nothing. I spend the entire night and the whole next day obsessing about this line. I ask every person at work how to interpret this… “It probably means he wants to go out with you again.” “Maybe it was like word-vomit that just came out and he didn't even know what it meant.” “Maybe he’s perfected the art of getting someone to obsess over him by saying weird shit…. Yeah, I think I’m going to start using that line.”

1 comment:

  1. Two things:
    -How long does my hair have to be to cover up the pimple? I mean do I need Zooey Deschanel's bangs or can I just push my sideburns over a little bit?
    -That Eggo tip is extremely important. I'm a working mom (a gay man raising a dog and 2 cats), and I'm on a budget.