Friday, May 10, 2013

HGTV @ 1:00 a.m.

Contributed by Ben:

My Annoyance with HGTV @ 1:00 a.m.

Long-haired brother of Property Brothers:  Your designs are usually great.  However, how many times can you say that the backsplash is “dramatic” and really mean it?  I keep wondering when the backsplash will start tap dancing and/or have jazz hands.

Delivery people:  How hard is it to deliver the correct couch?  When people order a grey couch, they really don’t want the brown one.  The fact that these delivery people continue to bring the wrong couch tells me one of two things:

     A. They are color blind.
     B. They truly want to be a designer and believe that the 
      brown couch will create the correct mood in the space.

How dare you!  Bring me the grey mood that I asked for in the first place.

Realtors:  Oh Jesus, help me…  When your client says, “I have a budget of one million bucks,” why oh why would you show them houses for one billion?  When someone says not a penny more, they usually mean that they can’t afford the top budget of one million, you greedy whore realtor.  Sometimes your gamble pays off, and the dumbass buys it.  But that doesn’t make you a good realtor.  It makes you a greedy whore and an enemy to the prosperity of ‘Merica.

Dumbass Yuppie couple buying a Lake House:  Why???  You have no children; you don’t like Nature; you work too much to really enjoy the place; you don’t have any friends.  No one likes you!  On second thought, maybe you belong at the lake.  Stay away from me until I decide to move to the lake.

P.S. Mr. Yuppie… The side by side fridge at the lake house isn’t small.  It definitely isn’t too small to hold your “weekend beer.”  If it is too small, the fridge isn’t the real problem, now is it.

One more thing:  Canadians, just because you are paid a decent living wage doesn’t mean you get to rub it in our faces.  If you can get excited about a two bedroom shack that needs upgrades for $440,000, then I say that you, Canadian, are welcome to come by my garage sale any day!

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